omg, Miracle Boy was workin' it tonight!! *big grin!* i'm so proud of him! *heart heart heart!!*

Miracle Boy was a hole in his neck! tee hee! ohmigod, miracle boy, how i love thee!

**

edit: WHOA... holy crap, BO WAS FUCKIN GOOD!!!!!! oh my god.... ithink he was a bit better than miracle boy.... awesome performance!

edit edit: ha. leave it to my parents to ruin my night. fuck. stop talking to me about useless shit!!!

i surrendered.
i did. i lost this battle. but i'm also gone, thank God. back to loo, back to life, back to being myself.
i never thought hatred felt like this. don't get me wrong, i'm thankful for what they've done. but the past year have been unbearable. to quote a good friend of mine (carmen) "you're making me want to hate you. i don't want to, but if you keep doing this, i will"
i think i have edged closer to that point after today.

how fast does a lip piercing close up?
i took it out about half hour before i left the house. i'm in loo now, two hours later, and i think it's closed already.

i miss it. i feel naked without it.





patience, mandy.... patience..... keep to the plan.










i'm outtie.

i watched The Dreamers last night, cuz my mom bought the dvd, and i've never watched it before and it sounded interesting.
oh. my. god. it is the best fuckin move EVER! (well, not as good as The Sound of Music, but u know...) anyway...wow... besides the messed up relationship the twins had and the constant nudity/half nudity in the movie (which seriously startled me), the plot is actually really good. and Michael Pitt is dreamy... :D i've always wondered what his name was... and now i know! he played Henry Parker, on Dawson's Creek, he was Jen's weird bf? yeah.... anyway, he was REALLY GOOD in The Dreamers. i recommend that move to anyone! i'm gonna make Warren watch it with me when we're back in loo. hahaha he'll be like "WHOA!! i did NOT need to see that!" and Fran, i think i'm gonna make you watch it with me too. half of the movie's in French, and i have no idea what they are conversing. and i'm sure you'll enjoy looking at some hot guys' d's too. ;)

anyway... it's been a hellish sort of week, besides going dt with carmen yesterday, and dinner with some people i went to China with. that was fun. but i'm ready to go back to loo. can't wat til tomorrow. anyway.. i'm done posting.

wow. omg... american idol was intense! i thought the elemtary teacher was gonna be out! but Judd's one of the 4 that's out. aww he's a cutie! not surprising that Miracle Boy's still in. i love miracle boy! he looks like Swinden! oh man.... if the teacher was out, i'd freak!! but he's not, so...whew!

anyways... where the hell is my cousin? we were supposed to go to this casino tonight, buuuut i dunno where the hell he is.
anyway.... i'm bored. i think my hot foreign boy is mad at me. he ditched me on msn cuz i called him a racist. i told him my cousin was gonna take me to a casino cuz i've never been before, and he said something about asian people liking to gamble. so i'm like "don't be racist" and he kinda laughed and replied "i knew you'd take offense to that" but i was only kiiiiiinda kidding. oh well.

i should probably go work on my piece (i'm composing), but i really don't feel like doing theory (cuz i just have to fill in chords for a harmony, and it's like theory). i did a little bit of it today, and it's coming out pretty good. i also listened to the recording of the aci spring concert from when i was gr.12. awww.... agincourt singers was so good back then. omg, so i listened to my solo, and it was pretty bad. hahahaha... but paulanne's was REALLY bad. no offense. some of the stuff from that concert i seriously couldn't finish listening to the whole piece cuz it was that bad (ie. orchestra). the bluebird song brought back so many mems... right along with ezikiel and his wheel (hahaha!), but then i listened the our grad song, and i teared up cuz it was so lovely. *tear*

eeeerrrrrrrrrrrr..... anyways, i'm bored. i wanna DO something... paul? *looks around innocently* hahahah! don't be like my old significant other! juuuuuust kidding!! psssssssssst paul- let's do something!!

i was on mugglenet like yesterday or somethin and came across some pictures HP fans would be interested in. personally, i think the people who cast these actors suck, because Cedric, Viktor and Fleur do NOT look like Cedric, Viktor and Fleur.


cedric, you're ugly and oliver wood/ sean biggerstaff would've made a much better cedric than you would.


krum.... ew... definately not what i had pictured krum to look like.


you call this a veela? no dice. she looks like a blond, skinnier version of emma watson. and we all know what i think of emma watson.

i had a good day by myself.
still in shock that there are now three people i know who did not make it to mus. therapy. who are they to judge anyway? like fran said, they don't know shit about us. but in a way... i don't feel as much of a loser for not getting in. i know that sounds bad, but it's true.
anyway... jeremy's email made me cry because he actually does care. awww... i feel like such a loser calling him. i haven't done it yet. maybe tomorrow...
my dad yelled at me last night and then started making small talk wth me at dinner this evening. wtf? i pretty much ignored him. i hate when he does that. yell at me, ignore me, then pretend everything's back to normal. not impressed.

i actually watched part of american idol today. well, it just finished not too long ago. i'm kinda disappointed i missed it last night, because apparently, all the guys sang (ie. miracle boy), but i saw him sitting amongst the audience, and it made me happy and i giggled like a school girl. yiay miracle boy!! *grin*

okay, i just read a xanga (not naming names...), and one of my friends commented on her page, and she was just being a bitch to him. this person doesn't really know me, and vice versa, cept i've seen her a couple times, and she seemed like an okay person. but no one treats my friends like that. even if it's a xanga comment or just as a joke.

anyway... i'm getting kicked off a computer once again. so i'm outtie.

nothing is ever that easy.. i learned that last night.
i already want to go back, but i've made plans for the end of the week. sucks.

last night i locked myself in my room and spent three hours composing. the piece turned out actually quite good. i think i'm gonna add more to it tonight. and then i'll get joni glidden to play the cello part. hahaha just kidding.

aaaaaaanyways... there was stuff i was gonna post about before, but it's irrelavent now, so... i'm just gonna go.

***

edit: so i went to aci to listen to the choir because i've been hearing bad thngs about them, and wanted to hear how *ahem* bad they were. so anyways.... the first person i saw at aci i knew was abby!! yay!! she walked around with me til i found frances! omg.. frances wasn't wearing any platforms today and i looked so tall next to her! i love her!! :D :D!! so anyways, we went to guidance cuz i had to see mrs. elsworth, but she wasn't in today. then frances left with ms. something cuz she was looking for a career. so i left and walked towards the audtorium, where bumped into owen (who gave me a weird look) and matty (who asked why i was there). meh. oh, i also talked to misha. hahaha oooohhh misha... he dyed his hair blond. and he thought i was weird cuz i came to aci just to listen to chor. pffft! anyway, so i left and listened to them sing.. and first thing i noticed: holy shit there are so many azn people! it was kinda freaky... anyways, they sang Bridge Over Troubled Waters, and i'm really sorry to say, it was pretty shat. first of all, they didn't have enough compressed air, so their notes were all airy. and at one point the sopranos had to go up to a high note and OMG, they totally did not even reach it. i had to cringe, they were performing in like...two days? *tug at collar* (hahahaha i almost actually did it too, in front of them) anyways, after that they sang a Morten Lauridsen song, which was slightly better, but stiiiillll.... well, anyways, i left after 45 minutes. haha
and then i went to get my hair cut! it was at this new place i've never been to, so i thought i'd give it a try. so the woman cutted 12 inches off in a ponytail cuz i wanna donate it, and then she started cutting my actual hair. when she was close to being done, i was kinda paniky cuz it looked really short, and i'm sittng there thinking "ahh i look like a boy!" but then she started drying it and asked if wanted it flipped out at the ends, so i said sure, i've never had flipped hair before. so she dried and styled it and then flipped it wth a curling iron. omg..... i gotta admit, it looks so hot! it's so flippy and......... volumtious! hee hee hee!!

anywhoo, dinner with Ching and the rest of my China trip group on friday! whoo hoo! can't wait!
fran: hope your knee's better! <3

***
edit edit: FUCK YOOOOUUUU WLU!!!!!! YOU FUCKIN PIECE OF CRAP MT PROGRAM!!! (actually, no it's way too good. but still!!)

im tired.
tired of skills and rhythms and bad singing and screaming in my house, and the snow and the people. i'm tired of looking for a place to live. i'm tired of working hard at something and never getting it. after that talk yesterday with janice, not only am i sure i'm not getting into mus. therapy, i'm probably gonna get kicked out too. wtf. school sucks sooo much. i hate it. but i want m.t soooo bad. ... i just wanna be really good at ONE thing.

i watched oprah yesterday and it made me cry because yesterday's episode talked about bad mother-daughter relationships. and this mother and daughter came on the show and it was the first time they saw and talked to each other in 6 months because they had this huge fght and stuff. in all honestly, i don't even want to go home tomorrow. i'm gonna be in the car with my mother alone again. i hate being with my mother alone. i hate living with my famiy. yeayea i screwed up my life, none of it is your fault. it's all mine. whatever. thanks for reminding me of that and trying to make me feel guilty again. it's not going to work this time.

i gonna visit aci on monday, and i'm getting lots of mixed feelings because i'm probably going to be seeing some people i don't want to see. why does everything have to be so messed up for me? and i hate how me and warren don't really talk anymore. well, i just talked to him, but it's not the same. and he's like "well, im going out soon, do u want me to call you after?" and i'm like "you don't have to".... but i think he's gonna. fuck... i don't want a pity call. i really don't. and do friends really ditch you when you just need a real person there to just be there for you? this always fuckin happen to me. thanks, warren. thanks.

god...... everything's so screwed up. i'm probably gonna fuck up my skills exam tomorrow, just because it's me, and vandenberg knows i suck at skills. he probably won't give me anything higher than a C, at best. i fuckin hate school sooo much... and while we're on that topic, i hate when people talk to me like i'm stupid or how i'm not working, you know who you are. because u know that when i start acting serious, i get called a bitch. and i have a mother, i don't need another one.

*breath*...

i have to get away... i'm done for tonight.

OMG.... i am soooo happy. *tear* i love miracle boy!! he got through to the next round in American Idol! *tear!* i'm so happy for him!!!

in theory today, me and Erica were talking about American Idol, and i was trying to tell her i liked miracle boy, and i was describing him to her, and Erica was like "oh..the guy who looks like Swinden?" and i laughed cuz i never put the two together! but omg, when i saw miracle boy today, he looked soooooo much like Swinden!! and Fran heard me and Erica talking and she laughed, and i'm like "you know what i'm talking about right?" and she said yes, but apparently not, because i talked to her afterwards, and she thought we were talking about Ken Jennings. and i told Shannon about it, and even she thinks that Swinden looks like Ken Jennings. hahaha ohhh man... but i think miracle boy looks more like Swinden.. it's cuz of the glasses. hehehe :D! I LOVE MIRACLE BOY!!!

oh. my. gawd. bethany finally showed me the dirty pic we took last year at music formal. omg... it's hilarious! i look like such a skank! and we all look so different... especially shannon, cuz she still had her glasses. and beth still had blond hair.

anyways.... besides that, today was a terrible day. it was raining so much, and now it's snowing. and i can't even handle all the fucking drama that's going on in our house. like....fuck! i can't wait to leave! i need to live with some decent, neater people. *ahem*

i'm actually looking forward to reading week. kinda... i'm gonna visit aci most likely on monday, cuz paul has school instead of co-op that day. i think? anyways.... yea.... can't wait til this week is over. argh. theory tomorrow. yiay. at least we don't have skills... yiay for sleeping in!

i was talking to phil this evening, and he's so innocent! hahaha... i was showing him this corset i wanted to get, and he's like "nooo i'm in the CAI lab, what if someone sees? i'm so embarassed! liz just walked in!" i'm gonna take him shopping in dirty stores sometime. lol.. cuz he was asking me whether lingerie is actually that expensive, so i'm like "yeah... it is.. you need to go to a lingerie store sometime. i'll take you shopping!" and he was like "um... okay." but he sounded interested. and then i showed him a picture of the corset i have, and he was like "wow, that's nice! why don't guys have nice stuff like that? geez" hahaha and then i'm like "but you have nice boxers!....well, maybe not YOU, but guys in general.... or maybe you do, i wouldn't know." haha! and then he thought i was insulting him and saying he doesn't have nice boxers. lol :) and after a while, i asked when he wanted to go shopping, he was like "you're seriously gonna take me shopping?!" and i'm like "YES!!" and he's like "in a dirty store...?" HAHAHA! oh phil... it was a nice convo though. phil is such a nurd. lol... he works soooooo much. paahhhhhh...

anyways, omgomg... i downloaded the harry potter ringtone on my phone today. it's sooooo hot!! :D!! people: call me!! lol
anywhoo.... i'm gonna sleep now. i didn't reazlise it was so late. ta-ta

damn, i hate valentines day. it's such a stupid commercialized day. so many people were wearing red and pink in Skills today. ugh. i'm so disgusted. speaking of skills... the dictation today fucken SUCKED. it was so hard! stupid Vandenberg... that two-part melodic dictation was rape (in the ass!). ugh. i hate skills. and the harmonic interval strings were hard too! my psych exam surprisingly wasn't too bad. it was like 50 questions. i finished it in half an hour, but i couldn't check it over cuz i had to blow my nose sooo bad. i forgot to bring tissues with me. oh well. then i went to the dining hall and chilled with chris (flute), larissa, and fran. it was fun.

i looked at this bachelor apartment on Seagram today. it's pretty nice. well, it didn't look too nice when i saw it cuz a guy lives there now, so it's kinda messy. lol... if i lived there i can fix it up nice! anywhoo... it's pretty good. i'd have my own kitchen and bathroom! i'd take it, but i still gotta look at a couple more places, and i actually don't want to live on stupid Seagram again. i lived there last year. it's a bitch. i wanna live around where i'm living now. it's close to everything! morty's, hasty mart, busses, the practise room, everything! but the landlord at 82 Seagram is so nice... *sigh* decisions decisions.... oh yea, and the house i saw yesterday on Albert SUCKED. ew... it made our house look so nice. ha!

speaking of houses... i gotta call this house on Ezra tonight. but i probably won't take it cuz Katie wanted me to live with her and i made this excuse about bad location, on Ezra, which is true too, so... yeah. i called the landlord on saturday and she told me to call again tonight. meh. and i have to email this woman from the MOFO ( that's what we call the recital hall). i wanna work there sooo bad.

yeah... anywhoo... i gotta practise for guitar tomorrow. i'm outtie...

yiay i studied today.
i have two more chapters to go, and have decided, fuck reading the text book. it takes too long. i have now settled with just reading the prof's notes. haha im a loser. oh well, whatever works.
i have my Beth Anne tomorrow. i'm soo nervous. it sucks, i always play terribly with Beth Anne, and then i feel bad, cuz everyone she's accompanied is better than me. and i can't count. :( i asked Jeremy about playing in the Bach concert in March, and i think he's gonna let me, but i have to play a shitty piece i did last year. paahh... oh well, better than nothing. i'm excited! yiay Bach!

omg, and Warren actually msged me on msn yesterday. what a revelation! i wasn't really saying much though, and he told me to cheer up. (?!)...anyways.... it was alright. he was like "i miss you, i haven't talked to you in sooooo long"
yeah... no kidding. pfft.
and he wanted us to chill this week. i told him i have exams pretty much everyday this week, and he replied with "this week is my catching up week"... hahaha... okay. well, we'll see what happens.

anyways, i gotta get back to psych. im sooo gnna fail that fucken exam. and the skills dictation. argh. damn skills.

i haven't studied all day. i'm so unmotivated. argh. this really sucks. ian broke one of my martini glasses.
im watching Amelie on tv right now, i love that movie.
i looked at places to live for next year. i really want this bachelor apartment, it would be cool. it's on Seagram, the same street i lived on last year, but a couple houses down. i don't particularly like the location, but whatever. there's also this house on hickory that sounds intersting. it's good and close to the hasty market and morty's and school, so it's good. buuuut we'll see. i have to visit all those places first.

bleugh...

oh my fucken god. i hate even handle this anymore.
i can't wait til next year.

i fucken hate living here. i came to a realization last week right when i finished my painting that it really is like what i'm feeling right now. i never really intended to do that. but it just... happened. i guess that is pretty interesting, like if u analyze it in a psychological way.

argh. but a painting can't change anything, so whatever.

i'm so depressed. fuck. like, ever since last year, i've been generally depressed. and thanks to this yr's mus. therapy auditions, bad lessons, bad classes, terrible times, asshole guys, and all the drama in my house, it's just a bit too much.

i can't fucken play my goddamn instrument and it's pissing me off!!! argh and i know i'm not getting in mus. therapy. fuck. NOT looking forward to next week. NOT.
fucken exams.
***

omg... carmen's baking me cookies during reading week. yiay!

i went home last night in toronto, cuz my cousin was came back from hong kong (she used to live here). so yeah, and so i went back to have dinner with my family cuz it was Chinese New Year and stuff. it wasn't too bad. i actually talked with my mom. not much, but still. it was great seeing my cousin though. but me and my brother laughed at her cuz she was kinda fobby. haha she didn't know what we were laughing at.
i tried doing the theory assignment, but gave up cuz it was confusing me. and then i studied for the guitar test. hahaha im so studious. (right.). anyways.... so my mom drove me back this morning. and she tried talking to me about why she was mad at me, and i kinda ignored her cuz i was studying in the car and i didn't want to talk about why she was mad at me. and then she said that it was my choice that i didn't want a family and blahblahblah, and i ignored her. so she stopped talking too and i fell asleep. and then i said thanks and goodbye and she dropped me off.

anyways, i'm going to my placement today for the first time, i'm excited! and nervous... i hope i don't get bad kids. kitchener/waterloo adolescents scare me. bah.

anyways... yea, im gonna go now. i have to fill out some forms for my placement.

so yesterday was our orchestra's last concert, and despite my earlier complaints of how bad this performance was going to be, it actually went well, and the Prokofiev went really well! and then no one suspected that we were gona play the Kacheturian, so it was REALLY awesome!! it was soooo much fun! i love that piece! anyways, my dad came to the concert, and when i asked him if he liked the Kacheturian, he just said it was really loud. haha... geez. anyways, i watched the superbowl with ian for a while, then went downstaires to chill with fran and shannon til about 10. then i went to Huether's!! omg, i'm sooo glad i decided to go afterall, it was so much fun! i brought my camera along, so i took pictures. :D! lucas was funny... katie and laurissa were persuading lucas to stay at their place and get him drunk, and laurissa stole his keys. it was funny... but then lucas drove us all home. it was great. mike (my old stand partner whom i disliked) did a tequila shot with me, and he paid for it too. awww... yiay. and!! -- i actually drank beer last night. oh. my. gawd. i know. what a revelation. i was kinda desperate to have a drink in my hands, and there was just a glass of beer there, it was katie's, and she just told me to have it. so i did. oh, and steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve was there, with erik and glenn and some other people i don't know. and i actually had an intellectual conversation with chris (trumpet), eric and ilana about music education. it was interesting. i think...? anyways... i took more pictures... with melissa and justin and other people. justin's hair is starting to grow back! it's soooo cute. and then lucas drove me home. i went directly to the basement, cuz i was anxious about chilling with people. so i went in, and apparently, they were watching the grudge, and i scared them when i wnet in. hahah.. oops! so i watched half of the grudge (which wasn't as scary as the grudge2, the original japanese version, but it was still kinda scary). after that movie we were so freaked out, so we put in mean girls, but after like 5 minutes, it got kinda boring, cuz we've seen it sooooo many times. so we put in the porn we rented. well.... the porn that shannon fran and beth rented. oh. my. gawd. i think i'm traumatized. it was sooooo hardcore. way to go, shannon... for picking the dirtiest one. omg... it didn't even have a plot. just pure fucking. omg.... the feet... omg... ew. why is his D like two colours? lol... eww.. it eventually got too much and we couldn't handle it so we turned it off. and then i went to bed.

i missed my Beth Anne this morning... dammmiiiitttt.... i totally forgot about it. i had to go to her after skills and reschedule another practise. i felt sooo bad. :(

aaaanywhoo.... yeah, my throat kills. im gonna go.

last night's random party was fun! i quite enjoyed myself, even tho i was completely sober. well, we had a lot of first yrs in our house, and some of them were kinda iffy... and chris was so cute, but flirting way over the top with everyone. tsktsk... chris.
i must say.... we (me fran shannon jess and bethany) took another dirty pic, and it's soooo dirty! well, only on beth's and jess's behalf. beth looks like a friggin porno star, and i think jess is doing something like licking my boobs. lol... everyone left kinda early (not without drama though... our house always has drama). and then me fran shannon and ian, just the four of us hung out til like 4. we watched porn on tv!!! it was pretty hardcore, but disappointing too cuz we didn't get to see any D (but fran saw someone else's....*tug on bra strap*!!). we took some dirty pics ourselves too, and fran got so freaked out by ian. well... he was going over the top a bit, with the celery and whatnot. anyway, ian just sent me some pics from last night so i guess i will post them. they're rated PG13. (not quite R)



our dirty pic!


me and shannon's dirty pic!


me and ian (like that woman on tv? hahaha!!)


me and ian's dirty pic


i was going to post shannon's weirdo pic, but i don't think she'll appreciate it very much, so i'm not going to post it. :D

orchestra concert tomorrow!!! YEAHH!!!! drinking at the Huether!!!

sometimes, there are good days. sometimes, there are bad days.
today was a pretty bad day.
it's kinda weird how just one thing can set you off. and i surprise even myself sometimes, how bitter and mean i can be. hey, people piss me off, what can i say?

thanks jeremy for boosting my confidance.
well... i guess it's not all hsi fault. i really do suck.
you're not ready for masterclass. i'm going to postpone you. what you think?
yeah i think so........
it's just going to be very hard for beth anne
mm hmm......
let's say.... march 1st.
......okay.
let's do the orchestra excerpts now.
..... okay.

*later in orchestra*
can we just use my music, i hate turning those pages. (clara's music is fucked up. it's like double sided, but upside down. it's a bitch to turn)
but these have the bowings...
*grumble* fine... fuck
well we can use your's if you really want.
no, it's fine. *grumble*

*later in sectionals*
ok, this black chair is mine, im going to get some stands.
(i come back and the chair is fucking gone) wtf... who the hell stole my chair? lorrina.
argh... i pulled up another black chair. went to get more stands, and came back, and my chair was gone. that new girl stole it. WTF?!?!? STOP STEALING MY FUCKING CHAIR!! GET YOUR OWN!!! god fuckin dammit, people...

and to top it off, i played horribly today. great. well, at least i have food in my house now. yiay i'm not gonna starve.

i went to TGH today for my pacemaker checkup. it went alright. i finished at 10:30, and the next greyhound back to kitchener was at 12:30, so i had to wait like two hours. goddamn. i bought really expensive salad for lunch, and an apple. well, i bought two, cuz one is for Guido. he needs to be hydrated. i got back at 2:30. bah. i missed my lesson. i felt sooo bad. oh well. jeremy rescheduled it, so it's all good. dr. bell is cool!

guess what day it is. feb 1st. i didn't even realize it til i was on the greyhound back to loo. goddamn. but i'm feeling good, so whatever.

well, nothing more to say. (except that i think my mother hates me, and i couldn't care less)